


Send in the clowns

by ArthurFlecksGirl



Category: Joker (2019)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, F/M, Mental Illness, Trauma, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:28:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24077518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArthurFlecksGirl/pseuds/ArthurFlecksGirl
Summary: The subway scene from Arthurs point of view
Relationships: Arthur Fleck/You
Kudos: 3





	Send in the clowns

The subway is moving forwards, while everything inside of me is standing still. Frozen. Numb even. The numbness takes over me, exept for the real bad headache I got from banging my head against the glass in the phone cell. I shouldnt have done that. Hurting myself. But sometimes I just cant help it. Sometimes the sadness turns into anger and I dont want to hurt anyone, so I punish myself instead of anyone else. Instead of the people that hurt me all my life. I just sit there and take it, and try to cry my eyes out afterwards, but I cant even do that.  
There is something wrong with me. I do know that. And sometimes I hate myself for this. I guess thats why people don`t feel comfortable around me. Because thay think there is something wrong with me. But if they only would LISTEN and take a close LOOK. They would notice that I`ve got a lot to say, even if I don`t say much. I would love to talk a lot actually, but I gave that up when I realized that people won`t listen anyway. I prefer to write in my jornal nowdays. Its saver for me. My journal can`t missunderstand me. At least I hope so.   
But yeah... if only they would give me the chance to EXPLAIN myself. They would notice that I`m a good guy. But they won`t. To them it doesnt matter how big my heart is or how lonely I actually am. I do write my jokes for OTHER people. To make THEM happy. To be SEEN as someone who can make others happy. But they remain unheard. My jokes are only scribbles in my journal. At least up until now. I`ve got the feeling that change is about to come. Like....I can feel soemthing growing inside of me. Not sure what it is though. Its just a gut feeling.  
I look outside the window. Some graffitys on the glass cover half of my reflection. Half of my face, a blurr. Funny because thats how I feel right now. I notice how sad I look. A sad eyed clown sitting on the subway. I can`t smile for anyone today. Not now. Not after Hoyt fired me. How could I ever tell my mum when I get home? I just told her that she shouldt worry about money, or me. That my stand ups are ready for the big clubs. And now I got nothing left. Not even my job, which I loved. Mum and I didnt had much money but it was enough to get us through. What now? Mum will be so dissappointed in me. I wanna make her proud. I wanted her to see her son up stage. I`m a great stand up comedian. I just know it. And its time for them to notice. It was all Randalls fault. He gave me the gun. Without the fucking gun, I wouldnt have gotten fired. Maybe that was Randalls plan all along. He wanted to get rid of me by giving me the gun. Eighter by me killing myself by accident (the fucking thing was loaded when he gave it to me and he didnt said so) or by getting caught with it, which just happened. Great job, Randall. Your plan was succesful. Too bad I didnt killed myself with it. But its not too late for that, right?  
I turn around and face the other side of the subway. People are getting out and three other guys are getting in, talking about a girl they danced with. The conversation caught my attention. Sounds like they were at a dance club or something. I`ve never been at one, so I try to hear all the details about how a normal guy would manage to make out with a girl. I really could need some good advice on that. But after a few seconds I realize that the guys must be drunk. One of them claims that the girl wanted to get closer to him, but the other one laughed at him.   
It was now that I realized that there was still a girl sitting there. "Want some french fries?" one of the drunk guys tries to hand her his bag of fries , waving with it, trying to get her attention "Helloooo?" The girl looks annoyed "No, thank you". "They`re real good!" he says, before throwing food at her. "C`mon" the other one says "He`s being nice to you".  
The girl just wants to read her book. Why would they even bother her? I take a look at the cover. Alice in wonderland. I like that. Alice knew how to create a world of her own. reality couldnt bother her anymore.  
I get nervous, noticing that she makes eye contact with me. I guess she wants me to say something to them. To step in and tell them to leave her the fuck alone. The friendly clown would help. And I want to. I want to step in so bad. I want to get up to those guys and tell them to fuck off. To leave the girl alone with her book and imagination. But my body won`t let me. I am frozen. My legs won`t move. I`m just sitting there. What kinda man am I, to not help her out? Just a sad clown on the subway. Nothing more. All I wanna do is cry. I`m crying on the inside.  
And there it comes..... hmmm haha. I shake my head. No. please not now. Not in front of her and those idiots. But I cant hold it. The urge to cry, the feeling of being uncmfortable gets too big. Hahahahahaah. The laughter.Its making it way through again. I want it to stop! At the same time there is something inside of me that acually thinks that this is funny. Those drunk idiots trying to impress a girl by throwing french fries at her and I`m actually hoping to learn something here when they came in. Hahahhaha. What a joke.  
I can tell that I already caught their attention as they look over on me while my laughter gets bad. Real bad.  
"Is something funny, asshole?" one of them is yelling at me. I try to tell him that he should ignore my laughter by gestures, but he doesnt get it. I guess I even managed to make the girl being scared of me. She walks pass us, disappearing, as the guys throw stuff at her "Bitch!"  
Hahahahhahahah. I reach the point of pain right now. In my throath from trying to stop the laughing. In my heart from trying to understand why I am laughing.   
And just as the pain starts to burn on my insides, the guy comes up to me, starting to sing "Isnt it rich? Are we a pair? Me here at last on the ground. You in mid air. Send in the clowns." With every step he comes closer I get flashbacks from getting bullied at scool. The look in his face. in his eyes. I know that kinda look. He`s a bully. And I`m his victim. He makes fun of me. Nothing new I know. But that song...it really gets me. I love Frank Sinatra. His music means so much to me. It hurts that this guy is using it against me.   
"Isnt it bliss. Dont you appprove?One who keeps tearing around, one who cant move?"  
Yeah....thats right......hahahahhaah I CANT move while you are dancing around like an idiot. Hurting me. Do you have any idea how much you are hurting me? Look at my face. I´m hurt. I`m in pain. But people never notice and you keep on dancing. YOU are the one who is laughing. Not me. I`m crying. And I have to listen to your bad interpretation of Send in the clowns. You can`t even get a tune right.   
"Send in the cloooooowwwnnnsss" he sings, while one of the other two is sitting down next to me in an intimitating way, grabbing my Carnival wig, exposing my real hair, while I cant stop laughing with pain in my eyes.  
"There ought to be CLOOOOOOOWWWWNNSSS....." the first one looks at me in anger, the second one putting my wig on, laughing right into my face. I can smell the alcohol in his breath. The way he laughs at me. So rude. Just like back in scool. I`m back in scool. This is a nightmare. Why would they want to hurt me? Don`t they realize I just want to be left alone? I wish they would go away. But I guess I dont deserve someone stepping in for me. I didnt when they bothered the girl. There is no one else with us anyway.  
"So tell us buddy. Whats so fuckin funny?"  
"Nothing". Finally my chance to explain myself" I will tell them about my condion and they will leave me alone.  
Hahahhahahah "I have....I have a condition" I try to catch my breath. Its so hard to breathe, so hard to talk between the laughs. my hand reaches for the card. They have to read it. So they know. "I´ll tell you what you have, asshole" he replies, grabbing my bag. I try to get it back, but the other guy stands up and holds me back. Grabbing me violently from behind, while the first one tries to attack me. I cant belive this is happenening. I just wanted to show them my card, so they would understand why I was laughing.Why would they hurt me?   
I cant use my arms so I kick the one who`s standing in front of me. I`m shocked I have to do this but I`m afraid I will get beaten up again. I still got bruises from the last time.  
"We got a kicker, huh?" he says. "Hold him steady, hold him steady" he screams, right fore he punshes me in the face so hard that the other one lets go of me and I fall to the hard floor. Lying there with a sharp pain that makes its way althrouh my body. I lie on my right side. My ribs hurt´. My head is pounding. Ma hand touches the dirty subway floor. Is this real? Why is this happening? I cant move. I always fall back into freezemode when I get beaten up. I just cant do anything but take it like a good boy.  
They kick me in the back. Hard. Harder. All three of them now.   
For a moment I am afraid they will kick me to death. Three guys and some clown, frozen on the floor? I could definitaly die in here and no one will ever know. I`m not afarid of dying. But this isnt how I want to go. Not on the floor. Not while getting kicked by some assholes. They would step over my dead body and I would lie there, invisible. People stepping over me. No. I cant let them do this to me. Its time to defend myself.  
Is this my inner voice talking? The one I use to hear a lot? The one that wrote in my journal? Is this the blurry part of my reflection? It could be. I dont even care.  
But I feel myleft arm moving. I´m not frozen anymore. I remember the gun. The fucking gun Randall gave to me. The weapon that brought me nothingbut trouble. Maybe this thing will be good for something eventually. Maybe it will save my life. Well Randall. Sorry for ruin your plan.  
Those guys will get what they deserve now.  
Bang! Bang!  
That was fast. One is already on the ground.  
Bang! Bang!   
I never thought it could be so easy to defend yourself.  
The other ones falling against the subway door.  
There is blood. But there is no time to take a look at it. The third one tries to run away as I fire the gun one more time. I only caught his leg. He tries to run away, liping, as I grab my stuff, trying to catch my breath. To get my thoughts straight. The gun in my hand. God. there is a gun in my hand. Still. For a brief moment I seem to lose all orientation. Did i just killed someone? What should I do now? What about the third one? My mind is all over the place.  
I watch him banging against the doors, running out of the subway as they open. He really thinks he can get away. I hide behind the door , but he tries to escape. What else could he do? I´m right behind him. I have the gun. I am not the victim today. One more shot. He falls to the ground.   
How does it feel there, on the dirty ground? Can you taste it? I did.   
Can you feel the cold concrete against your aching bones? Because I did.  
You killed me first.  
Every single one of you bullies.  
You killed my hopes and dreams. My heart.  
My innocence.  
This is what you finally get.  
Do you see me now?  
Can you feel, that I am real?  
Because I am.  
And so is this gun.  
I ran up close to him as he lets out screams, trying to crawl closer to the stairs.  
No one heard MY whimpers when I thought I was dying in the alley.  
I fire the gun. Bang Bang Bang. Until there are no bullets left. Until he doesnt move anymore.  
Freeze mode, huh? How does it feel?  
One who keeps tearing around. One who cant move.  
And then... silence.  
Exept the noise in my ears. I take a short look at the body lying in front of me. He`s really dead. Kinda surprising what a gun can do.  
I press my hand against my ears. Thats noise. I hope there will be music again, soon.  
I take a look around. No one is there. Time to grab my stuff and get gone.  
I ran up the stairs as fast as I can and feel myself changing with every step I take, with every short breath I become something.   
There is a glow inside, as I run into an unknown desitination, my shadow ahead of myself.


End file.
